Saturday, October 12, 2013


The wash cycle of life systematically swirls until the grime of guilt, shame and sorrow is lifted.  The dirt of darkness is loosened in the wash of admitting that something is wrong and my soul breathes easier and it survives another night.  With all self-talk stilled for months at a time, obediently I show up and trust that God is working in me even though my pause button is pushed.  I am acutely aware that too often I have chosen to remain tuned out to what the Spirit is saying.  The sparkle in my eyes that once accompanied the excited expectations for a new day with so much to be thankful for...that Barb spark went up in smoke! It vanished without a trace! Unknown hesitations, reservations, and reluctance suddenly replaced my previous explorations, anticipations and enthusiastic plans.   Despite the hard place in which I find myself today, I believe that after 37 years of living alone, God predestined me to marry the man He chose for me for His purpose, to fulfill His larger plan.
The transparency herein will hopefully encourage others to trust and obey and "Confess your doubts, your short comings, your unbelief to one another so that you can be healed." Only in obedience is a person blessed by God.  "Any of you who does NOT give up everything he has --- cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33  So, after my crisis of belief, "Lord is this what You really want for me?" Certain adjustments had to be made by me to accomodate my choice to walk in obedience.  Giving up my son, my friends, my home, my possessions, and my 5 year plan to move to Mexico alone was not easy.  At times I was filled with unbelief that God had actually spoken to me and encouraged me to get married.  For me it is most difficult to hold my tongue and hide my true feelings.  While trusting that God would provide oppotunities for service in Mexico, one year prior to retiring, my boss introduced me to the man I was to marry.  The GIVING UP of my independence, not so much my single life, was the most difficult for me.  After being on my own for nearly 4 decades, marriage was quite an adjustment!  Nothing was withheld from my fiance prior
to our wedding.  He had read my FAITH BLOG and he had also been a witness to my tough love for my son during our courtship.  He knew all about my past and how God had given me the strength to rise above, to forgive the unforgiveable, and to love the unlovable. Prior to our engagement, he knew I had given up building a part-time business in order to date him, and that I am a valued public speaker, a writer, a leader and a truth teller.  My GIFT is to encourage people! As a married woman I expected that my husband would verbally encourage me in the Word, and in my writing.  As it turns out, we cannot open the Word of God without opposing revelations as to its meaning and
application.  This has been a huge disappointment for me and I pray that God will HELP US articulate that which we were drawn to, what we respected and admired in one another. We must accept each other as the person God has fashioned us into becoming. As a single mother and career woman, it was necessary for me to be bold, to say what I mean, and mean what I say.  Being strong and holding onto my beliefs was paramount.  I had to offer hope by my example, and I had to sandwhich healthy criticism with praise.  Today when I speak, and when I write, I like to imagine that I am making direct eye contact with my listeners.  Before our wedding, my man read my blogs
with greatful tears in his eyes.  We have both had to adjust in many ways to a new life in Mexico which includes a new church, new friends, and the new routine of serving in our community, using our gifts.  It is my delight to witness my husband engaged in service. While living in Mexico I have encouraged him to develop relationships outside of "us" and we both have accepted the truth that spending time alone and time away from each other is healthy.   Early in our marriage a dread like glue had rendered me listless and physically weakened. WHY?   One reason was that my ability to walk had been impaired by a constant pain for the first ten months of our marriage. Secondly, I struggled with our differences in doctrine and his unwillingness to serve our God somehow in our community as he waited until I retired. I read the words of Oswald Smith, a missionary "I want Thy plan, O God, for my life.  May I be happy and contented whether in the homeland or the foreign field; whether married or alone, in happiness or sorrow; health or sickness; prosperity or adversity; I want Thy plan, O God for my life."  The truth is that my unstoppable, ever present Lord, hears my heart's cry and He knows that I am tired of putting on my armor, my helmet to allow only pure thinking, my shield against the enemies attack. My mind was like an endless traffic jam of scripture and denial about who I was in Christ, a cherished child of God, a daughter of the most High Priest.
My mind was STRONGLY held by negative and critical thoughts about our marriage!  I prayed "Lord, break the spiritual STRONG HOLD in my mind and heart, restore me." God answered me wtth a scripture. His command was that I hold captive every thought. Paul wrote about how people get easily get off track from listening and following God's ways.  "walk, in the futility of their mind, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart." Eph 4:17 ~ The battle is REAL and Satan had been blinding my mind and causing me to doubt and wonder IF Jesus had led me to Mexico, and IF God had equipped me to cast out the demons of doubt in me.
Lord, forgive me for my unbelief!  I must never again doubt the supremacy of Christ! The truth has always been that I am loved by Jesus Christ, my Lord!  Questioning whether or not God's grace is sufficient for me is the work of the devil!  Is not faith believing in what I cannot see? Has not God revealed Himself to me in Spirit? Nothing can change my believe in the trinity of Jesus Christ, as I am convinced that my Lord Jesus was with the Father in the beginning, and that He is the Alpha and the Omega.  He was sent down to earth to rescue me and I also believe that God came down in the flesh as Jesus, to die for me, and to pay for my past, present and future sins. I believe that Jesus showed Himself to His wondering, doubting disciples and that He shows Himself faithful to me by administering His peace when I have none. When Thomas saw the wounds in His hands he said “My Lord and my God.”
When the young rich ruler ASKED JESUS "What must I do to inherit the kingdom?" Jesus knew his heart, Jesus knew his attachment to his wealth, and Jesus knew that the Father had not enabled the young rich ruler to willingly accept His ways. "This is why I told you that no one can come to Me unless the Father has enabled them." The rich young ruler felt "sad" at the prospect of giving up all he had to follow Jesus, and so he chose his wealth over obedience to the requirement Jesus had given him.  When Jesus met the woman at the well and told her of all her unholy relationships, her reaction was different. She accepted the requirement Jesus gave her..."go and sin no more".  
Disobeying God's first commandment is to seek and value the advice of others above God's written word. Obedience to God produces joy and peace. "The soul that sinneth, it shall die" Ez 18:4 ~ Soul is more than another word for a person, soul in various parts of the Bible refers to the realm of the mind and emotions of man. Sin corrupts the mind, confuses the emotions and thereby destroys the soul. People do not drop dead when they sin, but they do experience the death of a friendship. God says "He who sins against Me wrongs his own soul" Proverbs 8:36 ~ "Jesus asks His disciple Philip “For a long time I have been with you all; yet you do not know me. ... Whoever has seen Me has seen the Father. Why, then, do you say, ‘Show us the Father’?" John 14:9   Have I ever recognized Jesus at work in my life, providing, blessing, teaching me through others?  All people who enter my life, including my husband entertain me like angels, and they minister to me through acts of kindness and words of encouragement.  Co-dependency is depending on people to meet the needs that only God can. The relationship that I have with my Father, with Jesus is authentic. I trust God, I pour out my thoughts in blogs, and on my devotional journal to the only audience I require. Jesus affirms me, He renews me, He heals me, and He provides for my every need.  My Father knows my needs even before I can figure out what they are.  


  1. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, (let Holy Spirit within shine) that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven....Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you....whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. When you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans (unbelievers), for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do NOT be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light." Matthew 5 & 6

  2. "Aware that His disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? What IF you see the Son of Man ascend to where He was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are Spirit and they are life. Yet there are some of you who do NOT believe. Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray Him. He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no one can come to Me unless the Father has enabled them." From this time many of His disciples turned back and no longer followed Him." John 6:61-66

    "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:44

  3. "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17