Good Grief

My son Jason moved in with Jesus in 2016. I chose to share my grief journey in hopes of helping other moms who have lost a loved one. Vivid dreams awakened me, and I allowed tears to flow. It is always important to embrace our humanity and weep at times. My Lord's Word refreshed my spirit as He reminded me that a cheerful heart is good medicine. To maintain the joy of the Lord, I chose to abide in His Presence through it all. A time for grief, a pause for memories, and a choice to rejoice in all the Lord has done. My Lord has kept my tears in a jar and He grieves with me. To mourn is to respect Jay's life, and remembering is a holy, healthy thing to do. "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalm 126:5 -- My hearts cry was heard and our loving Father returned to me a song of thanksgiving. I am assured that my son is forever in the holy presence of Jesus. However, the pain of never hugging my son on this earth, ever again…returns unexpectedly, months and even a year after his shockingly sudden death.  Extreme emotions yet emerge when I hear the lyrics of songs that we sang together. On the first anniversary of Jay's reunion with our Father, it is in his honor that I lodged some great memories. Music was always a part of our jointly shared joys in this life.  Jason loved to groove to Motown tunes and he displayed his soul on the dance floor.  He made me laugh until I snarkled!  We took many country drives together, windows down with our playlists loudly blasting.  He savored our sweet Mother’s day and Father's day adventures on the road and I can hear him say to me “no worries Momma, it’s all good!” Father's day 2013 was the best Jason ever had.  We rented a cabin at Tower Park in Lodi on the river and Jason was the Captain of the boat that day!  His dog Bella was our mascot and his aunt Sue and cousin David joined us for that glorious weekend. Jason underlined this scripture "My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song." Psalm 28:7 - On board a cruise ship in 2017 Nicole C Mullen sang "My Redeemer Lives" and my body trembled as my Lord gave me this scripture "He brought His people out with JOY, His chosen ones with singing." Psalm 105:43 ESV - Jesus took Jason out of this world of trouble and heartache, and Jesus chose Jason  - who loved to worship at his church "Lifesong" in Stockton, California!

When Jason was thirteen I took him to his first concert. It was to hear Kenny Loggins at the AG Spanos Center and the most recent was an outdoor performance, in the rain, with Katie and Diana in the Bay area.  Another vivid memory includes busting a gut laughing while Snipe fishing at Lake Alpine shortly before Jay’s dad died.  My son never lost his child-like wonder or the absolute joy of welcoming a new job, or a new friend into his life’s shortened experience.  At Jay’s memorial,  several of his friends stood up to share memories and at the luncheon afterwards one tall man came to tell me that Jason was the glue, the guy who brought two rivalry schools together.  Tom Simmons shared that in the last few months of his life,  Jason’s thirst for the Word of God grew.  He shared Jason’s joy in reading the psalms each morning.   As his mother  I am comforted in knowing --- with full assurance that Jason accepted “His way is right for me.”  There was a lifelong spiritual battle going on for Jason's soul and I Praise God that in the end, our Lord got the victory and won!

On Easter Sunday 2016 Jason was overjoyed that his sister and her family came to his church.  Jason came to fascinate over his ways that had led him away from God, and the unconditional love, mercy and grace he received when he returned to His holy heavenly Father.   Jesus, our Savior tied faith and tears together when He declared “Blessed are those who mourn”  Matthew 5:4 --- Grieving has no time limit as it engages blessed memories of the giant physical presence,  of my son who I shall continue to miss. My grief is a gift that persists on a planet that continues to spin without Jason’s loving, gentle heart standing nearby on it.  Surviving parents need permission to not suppress a sudden violent storm of emotion.  A song, a smell, a shared vista may suddenly trigger a flood of tears. Cloudy, misty eyed days may end in another night of sleepless thrashing.  The hard reality of life without my son wakes me like a slap in the face.  One, two, three

days pass and my grief seems to have subsided and life’s simple joys bring me the confident thought that “I’m doing good”, but then, without warning an avalanche of regret buries me in a grave of grief.   Grieving pays no attention to time, stages, patterns or rules.  Do not worry if you bypassed the “angry at God” stage.  My faith in Jesus Christ and His victory over death will not diminish my grief, nor shall it speak of a measure of my personal  “lack of faith”.  In the book of Hebrews, chapter 12 a few of the listed hero’s of faith were indeed imperfect and at times wobbled in their faith in God.  Grieving parents take heart in the truth.  Each hero listed was  given God’s strength in their weakness. “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful ones.” Psalm 116:15 – No matter how short or long of a time it takes, grief is important to share.  Raw and unfiltered feelings need to come out. If I pushed my feelings down, they would suffocate my soul and I would be subject to lengthy bouts of depression. Without my faith in Jesus I would be inconsolable. Because I believe God's Word and His promises,  I know I'm going to see Jason again.  He is way better off now, and more alive now than he ever was on earth and that is saying a lot. Jason will never be emotionally or physically hurt again.  I also know, with certainty that God's plan is far superior than my desire to hug Jason here on earth.  Today my Lord gave me strength to write about grief, and He reminded me that it is holy to remember.  Picture of Gina, Marissa and me at Lodi airport.

Ecclesiastes describes all kinds of seasons and there is a time for tears, and a time for laughter.  “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”  Proverbs 16:9 – Jason was at peace in his sweet soul before Jesus escorted him to the perfect room in one our Lord's many mansions, Jay's room will be undoubtedly filled with great music and perhaps a view of a lake and hopefully a fluffy dog. Imagining this gives me great comfort and I am deeply grateful to God for giving me an imagination, the largest nation in the world!   Jason Corey Newell,  Yo Momma, Barbara Sue loves you and today I am loving the memories of our last date in Stockton for mother's day August 2015 - It was 108 degrees, we had no air conditioning and you wore that wet rag around your neck, smiling, never complaining! You picked me up from the airport in Sacramento, we stayed at the Best Western in Galt and then we took a drive along the river and had lunch at Al Da Waps in the old town of Locke. You wanted to take me to Micke Grove Zoo, and it was so hot that even the animals hid in the shade and we laughed!  It was like God impressed upon you to make more memories with yo Momma. More Scriptures underlined by Jason in his bible: "Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:2-5 --- "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit. because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-28 --- God poured Agape love into my son's heart and Jason splashed that love all over those he was with.  Jay was certainly nudged by the Spirit to drive his mother to Grupe Park in Stockton to hang out where day "boyz" played hoop. 

You dropped me off at Diana's house and the next day we went to the movies in Lodi to see the "War Room" and Jason wept. We played with three happy black wet retrievers at Aunt Paula's and swam in her pool in Acampo.  Before taking me to the airport we stopped along the river and watched the first football game of the season and shared a burger. ALL GREAT MEMORIES - Today yo momma is listening to a Motown playlist with Marvin Gaye at the top. "What's Going On" --I love you BIG Jason Newell!

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today - Ya

Father, father -- We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going on - what's going on
Ah, what's going on
In the mean time...
Right on, baby, Right on

Mother, mother, everybody thinks we're wrong...
Oh, but who are they to judge us...
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way -To bring some understanding here today

Talk to me - So you can see - What's going on - Ya, what's going on - Tell me what's going on" Yeah my son, I'm still talking to you about what's going on...with me, I'm missing you!  September 10, 2015 was the last day God blessed me with a day with my son, in the sun.  Jason drove me to the Sacramento airport and "our" plan was to see each other again Mothers Day 2016. Click link for pictures of
Jason Corey Newell Eternal Tribute